Ice cream vans


Ice cream vans used to be great when I was a kid. On hot summer days one would trundle gently through our village, occasionally playing a little five-note jingle. I never actually had an ice cream from it - I don't think it ever occurred to me to want one - but it was a pleasant part of the background of summer.

These days the fucking things are a menace. They come round on hot summer days. They come round on rainy miserable summer days. They come round on any fucking day. They come round in the middle of winter when there are several inches of snow on the ground. They have even come round at three in the bloody morning, and no I'm not joking.

And there are lots of them.

Well so far so good, after all there are plenty of cars which also drive around at all times of the day or night and they're not a problem. But ice cream vans are different. They make noise.

No longer do they occasionally play a little five-note jingle which is loud enough to be clearly heard but no louder than it needs to be. These days the cunts have gone electronic. They play a whole fucking great long tune. They play it with the volume turned up so far that it clips like a bastard the whole time. It's loud enough to be heard long before the ice cream van gets close enough to be useful. And they play it much more often.

But that's not the worst of it. The worst bit is the tune they choose to play - and so many of them seem to choose the same one. It's like orange and mint, only with ice cream vans it's...

TEDDY CUNT FUCKING BEARS' ARSEHOLE WANKSTAIN SHITARSE FELCHING PIC BASTARD NIC

I fucking hate that tune. It is unbelievably shit. I hated it when I was a kid. I took the view that it was fucking stupid, because teddy bears don't have fucking picnics because they're not fucking alive. (Except I didn't know the word "fucking" then.) And I still fucking hate it now. If anything, I hate it more. Especially when it's played repeatedly at earsplitting volume in appalling quality by some wanker trying to flog ice creams that I don't even want. At three in the morning.

Just fuck off with your teddy noisy cunt bearstard shitnic you festering turds, before I build a HERF gun and turn your sodding jingle box into a smoking wreck that goes WAAAAARRRRRRRK.

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